When you are asked as a kid what you want to be when you grow up, injured and in pain is probably not the response you gave. It certainly wasn’t mine.
I try to make a habit of seeing the positive in every situation. I always try to see the good in every person and the right in every wrong. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, as Kelly Clarkson sang in a banger of song. Sometimes though, positivity is hard to come by. When you are surrounded by a room of people who seem to have life figured out, or are on to new and exciting chapters while you are feeling stuck in the same rut you have been in for a while, it can be difficult to see the silver lining.
Logically, I know that life is not some riddle to be solved and once cracked is perfect forever more. But when you are physically hurting and limited in capacity, when places you wanted to be or goals you had in mind become more distant, things are much less rose-tinted.
It’s something I’ve been struggling with for some time now. Comparing where I am in life with those of my own age around me. While we should never compare ourselves to others, as everyone has different desires and wants out of life, it is hard not to do so when everything isn’t quite going to plan.
You start to question past decisions and wonder where you would be now if you had decided to turn right instead of left. To take one job in favour of another. To board a plane and explore instead of staying home and working more.
Life is full of a plethora of uncertainties. Every choice you made leaving limitless possibilities of what ifs.
If multiple universes are to be believed then there must be an endless number of them because each decision you make would branch off into another universe with another version of you choosing the other option. Every choice of eggs over cereal at breakfast would splinter the world. Unfortunately, I am not a believer in this theory and some of my sceptism has to be drawn from the MCU multiverse which ruined such a good thing. Though it does leave for many interesting questions over choice. Perhaps it’s just the sci-fi fantasy writer and reader in me that is so intrigued by the idea of a million versions of myself. All living different lives because we all decided to wear a different outfit that day.
I think it is only natural to question decisions that we’ve made over the course of our lives. Especially, when things are tough and we want so desperately for them to improve. A decision which, at the time, felt so right and natural can end up becoming scrutinised so heavily in our darker moments.
This is not to say I am not grateful for what I have in my life. I am so entirely thankful. In reality, it is this gratitude that often brings me out of my spiralling as I remember what that decision brought me. The people I have met and are such an integral part of my life are part and parcel of every decision that has led me to this point. The experiences that have shaped me into the person I am now. The unexpected results of a decision that brought so much good in my life. These are the things that bring me back from an abyss of regret. It’s hard to regret a decision when without it you wouldn’t necessarily have the people you love so much in your life. When you like who you are as a person and know that any other path would risk altering those parts and moulding you into someone you don’t recognise.
Life has to be full of doubt because if it wasn’t, if we didn’t experience the darker side of it, we wouldn’t know to cherish the good and the light.
This post is one of my more sentimental musings since starting this blog. It perhaps ties in to the fact that it’s Día de Muertos, day of the dead, and my family are in the midst of celebrating. Today and this time of year is an important one in remembering lost loved ones and focusing on the past. It leads you to reminisce about your time with them, but also to grieve the time you lost with them. It makes you grateful to have known them and to still have so many wonderful people in your life.
Día de Muertos teaches you to cherish what you have in life because you only have it for a fleeting amount of time. It reminds me not to compare my life to others. We are all on different paths and just because I am not where I thought I would be at this point in life, there is still so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to on the horizon. While not necessarily where I wanted to be, perhaps this is where life needed to take me.
To end today’s thoughts, I want to thank my friends and family. I love you very much and wish you a beautiful day remembering the people and things that are important to you ❤
Feliz Día de Muertos.
From just A Simple Writer.
