For over half my life, I have been at war with my mind. Some days I feel like I’m winning. Other days the crippling anxiety that stems from within very much overwhelms me to the point where I can do little else but worry.
I can’t pinpoint when exactly I started experiencing anxiety. Perhaps it was when Tinnitus came into my life. My fear around what the buzzing, hissing and ringing in my ears were and how to make sure they didn’t get worse was certainly a fuel. It sparked major anxiety around health which has only heightened with further experiences later in life.
The truly debilitating kind of anxiety that prevents me from sleeping most of the night, or has me asking the same questions over and over searching for an answer that will give me peace. That I’m not so sure where it came from.
I once heard on a morning TV show that there are two different terms that people often confuse when talking about this sphere. Being anxious and having anxiety. While similar in terminology both are very different in principle.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines Anxious as experiencing unease, nervousness and worry over something that is usually imminent or has an uncertain outcome.
Being anxious is an everyday part of human life. Everyone gets anxious about something happening at work. About graduation or exams. About a presentation they’ve spent weeks working on. It’s completely natural and to an extent healthy. To feel anxious means that whatever it is that is causing the feeling is important to you and you want it to go well. It means that you are human. It is quite literally part of our survival instincts.
Meanwhile, the Oxford English Dictionary defines anxiety as a state in which a person feels worried or nervous that something bad will happen in the future. This is often shown by physical or compulsive behaviours.
Anxiety is something that focuses very heavily on the future. Having worries and fears about situations that to most do not warrant the level of concern and stress that the person is displaying. It can be incredibly isolating, knowing that the feelings you have aren’t always necessary, are making you feel horrible, are affecting you and the people you love, and not being able to stop.
My mind will whir endlessly. I am a master at plotting through scenarios on repeat in my mind. Over the course of one sleepless night, I will have thought through every possible scenario or outcome for whatever has triggered my anxiety. Often settling and being exacerbated by the most negative.
What makes it so much harder is the majority of the time I am aware of how misplaced my fears are. I know that the most dire of my mental machinations will not come to fruition, but it will not stop me thinking about them. It becomes an incredibly frustrating cycle that I wish I could break. Trust me.
Once said trigger has been lived through or the event has passed, I will look back and kick myself for succumbing to the fear of my own making.
It can leave me feeling incredibly stupid and like a burden.
I know in those moments how difficult I can be to reason with. No matter what people say, I will struggle to sleep or pull the worry from my mind for long if not distracted by something else. This is probably why it is worse at night, when all my distractions are turned off and all I am left with are my own thoughts.
Now this isn’t to say I am anxious every single day constantly. I’m not. Otherwise, I would never leave bed!
Over the years, I have learnt to develop coping mechanisms to help overcome if not soothe my anxiety.
I’ve mentioned in previous blogs my habit to plan. Planning my trips, what to expect and what could potentially trigger my health, is just one such way I help to limit my anxiety. While not expelling my concerns entirely, planning certain excursions or events gives me back some of the control that anxiety often eradicates.
Ultimately for me, it is lack of agency that triggers my anxiety.
My need to be in control, most likely stemming from health related concerns, leads me to feel incredibly worried when I don’t possess as much as I would like.
For example, I cannot control people’s perceptions of me. In most situations, that does not concern me. In medical situations, where I often equate my worth to how likeable I am and how capable I can be, perception worries me greatly. Not every situation will trigger me, but those that do do so in a way that becomes incredibly distressing.
I’m not saying there is an answer for anxiety. Nor do I think people should look down on those who experience it. Quite the opposite in fact. To those who are lucky enough not to be held hostage by their fears, genuinely I salute you. But please don’t scorn those who are not quite as robust in their anxieties.
My dad always says, I have anxiety because I care. If I didn’t care about whatever is triggering me in that moment then I wouldn’t be experiencing that sensation. As long as I don’t let it inhibit me or stop me from taking part in life then that, for me, is not allowing my fear to overcome me.
From just A Simple Writer.
