I have always loved planning. Organising events, seeing a party come together, or an idea spark into fruition. Nothing is more satisfying than when I complete a long task to the best of my ability.
Planning has become a subconcious daily habit for me now.
As a kid, I was not very organised at all. I was constantly running late, forgetting things like sheet music for my piano class, and homework assignments that I had to complete. I think this started because of a lack of structure at home. I mentioned, when discussing sleeping habits a couple of weeks ago, that there wasn’t much order in my life growing up. My sister and I were often left to our own devices and having very little example of order meant I had no idea how to organise myself. No-one checked if I had done my homework or packed my school bag correctly, which would lead me to getting into trouble at school and affected my overall self-esteem.
Structure is so important for so many different parts of life.
Being an adult now, I have completely reversed my need for structure. At uni, I became obsessed with having an immaculately tidy room. I hand drew my weekly schedules and had them up on my wall. I started writing down commitments and meet ups, rather than relying on my non-perfect memory to know where I was supposed to be. And while I still may be the odd 5-10 minutes late and I’m by no means planning my life down to the specific minute, generally, my organisation has vastly improved.
The biggest reason for this change was my health.
Planning is such a large part of daily life when you have health conditions with varying potential triggers that demand a lot of your mental capacity.
I have to consider how much walking is required when I go out. Whether there are places for me to sit and rest throughout the day. If there is a lift at the venue. How loud a space will be and whether it could worsen my Tinnitus. How much an uber will cost and how long it will take to get me somewhere if my dad is unavailable to drive me. How much of my energy a specific event takes and whether it will tip me over the edge so that I am having to spend days recovering after, which is not always a possibility if I have work. These are just a few of the things I have to consider every time I make plans in my life.
I rarely mention any of this to anyone as it can sound quite overwhelming to most and because, often enough, I do it all automatically. Like a little human spreadsheet, I immediately sort through any potential triggers and how best to avoid them. From the moment I know where I’m working one day or my friends mention a meet up, my mind is already planning. It has become a natural part of my going out and is almost second nature to me at this point. Risk assessments would probably be a great career path for me in the future!
This doesn’t mean it doesn’t get exhausting always having to plan my day. I truly miss when I would just go out with no plan or idea of where I was going. There are still days like this in my life, when I feel good and like I can do that to an extent, but when my health flares up these become few and far between.
And then there are just times when going out isn’t on the cards.
Sometimes my body just says no.
Those are hard days. I’m currently in one of those phases due to health which means going out is hard because walking is not something my body is able to sustain for long without me being in pain.
I’m very lucky that the people in my life are so understanding and willing to adapt plans to accommodate my needs. When someone tells me they have already checked the noise levels of a venue, or that there is a lift, or that they are willing to travel closer to me during a flare up, I feel so seen and understood in a way it is hard to explain. It alleviates just one part of the mental strain my health can cause.
I’m very grateful to my friends, especially those who have driven hours or taken multiple trains in order to see me at my house these past couple of months. I understand the time and commitment that can take. To my loved ones, I want you to know how much I love and appreciate you! Nothing has kept me stronger than your love and care for me.
Not leaving the house for weeks is definitely not phenomenal for your mental health, but sometimes you have no other choice. Surrounding yourself with love and consideration is so important in those moments.
But also remembering to be kind and loving towards yourself is just as imperative.
It isn’t easy having to plan through your day constantly. For everyone that does it, be proud of yourself. You are continuing to show up and not let your health control your life. You are continuing to enjoy living and taking part in it. And even when its not always possible to participate and you have to decline an invitation, be proud of yourself for listening to your needs and your body.
Nothing is harder than saying no. It takes true courage to say when you can’t do something. And no-one should ever make you feel lesser because of it.
Even when you feel like your health is preventing you from doing what you want, the fact that you are still attempting and still advocating for yourself is no small feat.
Never forget how strong you are.
From just A Simple Writer
